It would appear that I have a whole arsenal full of preferences, absolute likes and dislikes which, quite frankly, I have no idea where they come from. The most interesting part of this though is that these penchants of mine seem to change in tandem with the wants and preferences of Mommy and Daddy. For instance, invite Mommy to a dinner with people she feels lukewarm about spending a valuable Saturday night with and you will hear that “the baby can’t really sleep when it’s too loud around him”. Tell her however that you’re going to the new Asian-fusion restaurant with her glitzy BFF’s and she’ll tell you that no baby is as easy going as me and that a bit of background noise is just perfect for me to switch off and dream away as she throws herself over the tuna tataki and the latest gossip (in that order).
And, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I fear that Daddy is just as bad. On the one hand, he spends countless hours going for walks with the mutt and me (I suspect, mostly because it’s a sure way of getting me to fall asleep) and claims that the fresh air is the “absolute best thing for the little one”. But ask him to take me with him when he’s off to the driving range and you’ll soon hear that “it’s too windy for the baby” and that it’s “no fun for him to lie in the buggy for so long”. Cute one Daddy – and you really don’t think that Mommy sees right through that one?
Now I could go on and give you countless of further examples of my supposed fancies, but instead of boring you with that, let’s just say that if you believe everything you hear, then I would be the most preciously spoiled and rather un-charming brat seen since the cake eating Marie Antoinette graced the salons of Versailles. To be clear though, none of this could be further from the truth as basically there are just three things which I care about: 1) I don’t like an empty belly, 2) I don’t like to sleep on an empty belly and 3) I don’t like to sit in a nappy full of my empty belly. But that’s about it – all else is white noise.
Unfortunately though, there is not much I can do about this involuntary opinionating of mine seeing as, corrupt as they may be, Mommy and Daddy are pretty much in full control as my two main spokes people. To their defense however, it would appear that most parents are involved in this fraud and the only reason they get away with it, is because everyone is guilty of participating in the same conspiracy. Everyone except for, needless to say, those still un-ruined childless people who, even though they swear that they will never sink so low as to use the same cheap trick, soon after themselves becoming parents find the temptation of not monetizing on “the little bundle of excuses” is just too big to resist. And hence, before you can utter the words “baby and scam” they too, have converted and joined the movement of conspirators.
In a way I’m lucky though – at least the attributes being assigned to me are more or less limited to sleeping habits and clothing preferences: apparently the background noise has to be “just right” for me to sleep and believe it or not, but some colours make me (read: Mommy) nervous. This isn’t half bad though, I have heard excuses featuring horror stories about babies who “can only breastfeed when mom is lying down”, one boy who “just could not cope with the stress of public transportation” and another one who would start crying uncontrollably in any high chair other than his white Stokke. Did I mention by the way that I have yet to set my Bugaboo on a bus...?