To summarise, if you think that the first thing on a freshly minted Mommy’s mind is her baby, think again. Instead, try baby weight. And I’m not talking about my own babylicious 15 pounds of pure yumminess. No, I am talking about Mommy’s baby weight. You know those extra pounds that all women put on during pregnancy and which an entire fitness industry is making a killing on as women, such as Mommy, spend the rest of their lives trying to shift. And this weight-loss obsession, I have come to understand, increases daily in the months between March and July when it reaches full crescendo. Come July, all bets are off and the Mommies are off to the beach to enjoy some quality time with their families – or rather, compare the results of the efforts put in during these crucial preceding four months.
But apparently I am not only to blame for the extra pounds. Things which you can also put on my tab include: Sagging boobs, flabby skin, brittle nails, hair loss and “nipples that look like the tip of a used condom”. (I know, she really does paint a picture doesn’t she...) Well for once, the tables have turned and it’s not me being the grumpy one. Instead, Mommy has decided that now that three months have passed since my arrival, all of the above body predicaments must be remedied and this had better be done well before “Beach 2015”.
If you ask me, I quite like her soft belly. And as for the boobs? Well, as long as she keeps up production enough to feed me, I‘m a happy camper. Unfortunately though, she hasn’t asked me,. Instead, she’s jumped on a health and fitness craze not seen since Jane Fonda launched her DIY fitness videos in the early 80’s.
Not only does this mean trying to lure me into thinking that doing her workout dvd’s at home with me on the floor next to her equals quality time. (About as much quality time as trying to put together an IKEA bookshelf together...) But as if that wasn’t bad enough, she has now taken to leave me alone with Daddy (!!!) whilst she goes to something called “the gym”. I’m sorry, but that’s just taking it one step too far and I have no intention of letting this go on for much longer. As such, I have started to be on my very worst and loudest behaviour while alone with Daddy, to see if maybe he can convince her to, at least, take me with her. So far no luck though and Daddy has just had to put up with my protests.
As for Daddy, he’s apparently not escaping this Beach 2015 preparation either. It seems that whilst my potbelly is considered “adorable”, his is about as much wanted company as your mother on a first date. Hence, not only is Daddy having to sweat it out at the gym, but he’s also having to comply with the dietary requirements that come with preparing for the beach season; i.e. less beer and bbq and more steamed fish and veggies. And not to forget, the in-between meals snacks which he gets to enjoy; nasty looking green smoothies and a handful of nuts - if he’s lucky.
Personally, I don’t know why either of them bother – it’s not as if I’m planning on letting them enjoy any beach time this summer in any case. But, if Mommy wants to put herself (and Daddy) through four months of pain just so that she can prance around at home and show off her toned body to no one but Daddy and me, well be my guest. Who am I to stop this madness...