As far as personal development goes, it would seem that Mommy has passed three major milestones in her life: 1) being born, 2) meeting Daddy and 3) having a baby (that would be me) and that for each of steps 2) and 3) her qualities as a human being have improved drastically. Don’t get me wrong though, she is still very much “an acquired taste” and by no means some saintly Mother Teresa. (We still have some work to do before that comparison makes any more sense than praising Gwynnie Paltrow for her unassuming lifestyle advice).
Back to Mommy though; Mommy, I love you because you’re my Mommy. But I’m not going to sugar coat it for you; you’re a bit of a handful for anyone to deal with. And whoever states the contrary is merely trying to save themselves from a Jeremy Clarkson-esque tirade as you let rip in your efforts to convince said person that you are merely misunderstood and actually no more a bull in a china shop than Jenna Jameson at the annual Amish convention.
I on the other hand, can let you in on the truth because notwithstanding all your faults, you are much too proud, possessive and yes, loving, to be putting me up for adoption... Or at least, that’s what I’m pinning my hopes to when I tell you that YES; you suffer from a severe case of “know-it-all-itis” and YES; we know that you probably know this already but NO; it is not a very endearing attribute. Similarly, you don’t exactly cover yourself in glory when insisting that you are your own best employee, co-worker and of course, boss. (I would assume you were busy throwing your team under the bus when they gave the lecture on the whole being greater than the sum of its parts...)
As far as your expertise and compulsiveness around me goes, NO; I am not in constant danger so you don’t have to hover over me 24/7 like some nearsighted vulture, NO; I won’t switch to solid food just because you said so and YES; you are wasting your time when trying to control everything from my naptimes to when I decide to fill my diaper. And whilst we’re on the family theme, YES; you’re lucky that Daddy is born with the patience of a Buddhist monk, YES; he probably knows more than you on most topics on which you are the self-proclaimed expert and NO; he’s not stupid and knows very well that the jumper you are sporting by no means is “an old rag”, but rather the result of yet another successful shopping spree.
Lastly, when it comes to your interactions with the rest of the world, I hate to break it to you, but YES; I will bet any day of the week on you being the troublemaker, NO; your sarcasm is about as subtle as a punch in the face and is hence not lost on anyone and NO; it wouldn’t kill you to try and temper your neurotic need to always have prove your point. Actually, on that last point you’ll probably live longer if you stop sweating the small stuff – like when people mispronounce my name for the umpteenth time. Living in a German speaking country, what were you thinking anyways naming me Jagger...?!
However, all this being said, I am still very glad that you are my Mommy. Because whenever you’re not busy dishing out tangy remarks to the next poor soul who happens to upset Queen Bee, I know that I’ll always have you covering my back. I know this because I know that if Grandma taught you anything, it was the value of loyalty and unconditional love within the family. And let’s face it, when sh*t hits the fan, I’m pretty happy having you fighting in my corner. After all, you don’t want to mess with the offspring of the fiercely protective fiend which is Mama Bear...
Dedicated to Grandma:
The never ending love and care which is motherhood was pretty much summed up to us when we saw who the first person was to register here on Mr. Grumpbox when the site was launched. There she was: Grandma – the first person in line to support Mommy and Me as we threw ourselves head first into this new venture. Thank you Grandma for always being there for us, believing in us and supporting us in every way possible.